Confession

I finally managed to get myself back to reading Celebration of Discipline. I just finished the confession chapter. I now understand why Catholics practice confession. I never really got it except that they thought they had go through a mediator. However, going by the explanations in this book, which do make sense, I think I get it now. I realize the mediator thing is part of it but there is a great deal to be gained by all Christians and a large amount of scriptural back-up for the practice. I still don't agree with how they practice it but it's a discipline that I would like to experience and adapt to my Protestant ways. : )
I can definitely see the need for continual forgiveness as we have to have a continual relationship with Christ and God. I also see the possible advantages for "confessing one to another" as this would demand and nourish much tighter and more supportive bonds in congregations provided that no one took advantage of the knowledge gained so intimately. I also realize how much more of a release one would feel after confessing and receiving forgiveness not just from God but from someone we can physically see and hear.
Well, I guess that's my dissertation on confession.
I'm glad I'm reading theological books again. I've kinda pulled back over the last week and have been retreating into the edges of depression again. I need to make myself refocus on God and let Him heal me again. Whenever I fall away for any amount of time I feel the results of His absence emotionally and physically.
It's kind of like the tide. I ebb and flow towards God. But with each surge I come a little closer and I don't fall as far away on the ebbs. Hopefully the tide will continue to carry me to God, but I think I need to start rowing.
God's peace be upon you.

Pruning the branch

I've had a very long weekend. It was an odd mixture of great and bad. Family-wise it was wonderful. My parents came in for the weekend, and we had a great time. The bad part come in because our youth group decided to talk to our pastor Wednesday night and tell him some complaints they had on us. I didn't know they had any complaints on us or at least not major enough to go to the pastor. And to top it off they really only had two complaints and the larger one was on me. They just said that my husband went over their head sometimes when teaching. As I told my husband, "So really they just think you're smart." My complaint however was they think that I'm bossy. They had examples but as I was not there when my pastor talked to my husband I only got the 2 examples that he could remember. Apparently there were more over the last several months. Whenever I can't get them to do what they need to be doing or what I want them to be doing I snap at them. I realize that this is probably not the best way to talk to teenagers but I'll admit I have a temper and I also have control issues. But I am one of the teachers and I have a hard time maintaining order over the group without resorting to that at times. Especially when the older boys are there and Philip is not they just don't listen to me.
I guess maybe my own insecurities manifest in some way and the kids pick up on that.
Anyway, I cried a lot this weekend. I'm sure God is trying to work in my life and adjust my attitude but it's hard when He decides to prune our hearts. (Vine and branches)
I haven't started my quiet time yet, I'm sure that would probably help this whole process go a bit faster and smoother. I'm going to try to start that tonight. Philip will be home late because of an activity at the church - not youth so I don't have to be there.
I feel a little better now that I have vented. God bless.

Simplicity

I've been reading a couple of books lately - Celebration of Discipline and Miserly Moms - Living on One Income in a Two Income Economy. Between the two I am about ready to plow my very large front yard and start a farm. Ridiculous I know and VERY impractical for a woman who kills cacti - that's right, multiple cactus I have killed, three to be exact. Farming is an insane idea for me but at the same time I want to work outdoors and with my hands and grow my own food. My husband is very against this as he knows he will be stuck with the weeding until Matthew is old enough to do it. I argue that I'll do it but in my heart I have a sneaking suspicion that he is right. I always have these grand ideas and lofty goals but reality tends to fall very short of the mark. Truth be told, I'm lazy. Sad but true. I want to do these things but I have very little self-discipline or self-control. I keep saying that if I could just quit my job and stay home with Matthew that I would be able to accomplish all these things like gardening or cooking more or teaching my son but honestly if I can't find the time or energy to do any of it now then I won't be able to if I stay home. I need to get focused and simplify my life so I have energy for things. I also need to be more focused on God so my heart and soul are at peace for me to accomplish more. I'm going to try to start a daily quiet time starting today. I'll let you know how it goes.

Hello

My name is Sally. I'm trying to keep this rather anonymous so you probably won't get anymore out of me than that. This blog is more or less going to be an online journal for me - we'll see if I'm any better at updating this than I am my paper ones. I am a Christian and this is mostly for me to try to make sense of my walk with God and I guess to kind of keep a record of my progress on His path. The URL for my blog comes from a Thomas Browne poem I always loved. I found it in a Madeliene L'Engle book and it's been a sort of "to live by" poem for me ever since.

If thou could empty all thyself of self
Like to a shell dishabited
Than He might find thee on an ocean shelf
And say, "This is not dead."
And fill thee with Himself instead.

But alas, thou are all replete with very thou
So that when He finds thee He says,
"Twere better let it be
It is so small and full
There is no room for Me."
-Thomas Browne

It's probably not exactly quoted as that was from memory but you get the idea.

I have a husband who is a youth minister and a small boy (age 3) but other that the occasional reference I probably won't dwell on them. This blog is, as stated, about me and God. Anyway, I hope if you manage to stumble across this, you will be encouraged by my walk.
In Christ,
Sally